I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
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either way he was missing a nipple.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
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My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.