Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Well I just put wine in my tea
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!