there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
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I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
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I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.