It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
