Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
