At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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