I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
