Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
