I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
