Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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