I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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