if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
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I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
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I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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