So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
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I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
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Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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