nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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