The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
