last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
