At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
