i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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