I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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