idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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