somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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