at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
