A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
