Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
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let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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