i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just want to make out with him forever
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
