she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
