Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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