Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
