I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
