You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
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I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
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If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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