As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
