..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
