So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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