know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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