Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
