So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
