in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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