Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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