Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
