I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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