cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
