apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Hippo gnu deer
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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