it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
being pregnant is like rehab
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
