I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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