i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
