if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
