addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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