I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
a search helicopter?!
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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