Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
