I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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