Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
