remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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