The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
