My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
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Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
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Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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