He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
