my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
