Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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