smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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