oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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