i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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