At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
