I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
