On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
