I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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