i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
